Two Versions Of Depression
by Marshmaro
Summary: He may be the one everyone feared. Death is written all over him and it is close to impossible to crash into his mind. Deep inside, maybe there's a kid wishing to grow and smile. Like before. "Save me."


_Tick tock_.

It was the only thing he could hear for days. Or was it months? Years? He had no idea. He was empty and the only thing he was waiting for is time. _"Your time's gonna run out."_ The voices in his head deafened him. _"What are you waiting for?" _He didn't know. Probably because he knew that he has been waiting for nothing since long ago. He stared up at the ceiling with no emotion on his face. He called out to God a lot of times. Perhaps he knew that only God can save him now. Depression is not always about crying, or a kid who missed his favorite cartoon, or a mother who watched her daughter get taken away by marriage. It's about lying down, staring at nowhere, thinking about nothing in particular. He knew that. It's not that he wasn't thinking. It's just, he had too many thoughts and he can no longer string them into words.

Suddenly, he heard someone come in. He turned his head to look at the visitor. "Oh, it's you." He managed to say. Said visitor just stared at him and raised her eyebrow. "Yeah, it's me. What do you expect?" She laughed. He flinched. How can she just laugh like that as if she, herself, wasn't in the same state as him? He felt anger boil him up, wishing that the stupid smile on her face would get wiped. Is he a sadist? He didn't know. Was he just envious of her laughter? He had no idea. She just annoys him. "Can you stop coming here?" He told her as he sat upright. Even though he was glaring at her, she just tilted her head innocently. "Uh, why?" She asked as if she didn't know. _"How stupid."_ He gritted his teeth. She took a comb from her bag and started fixing her hair. "Maybe you should think twice before asking something like that. I want to kill you." He told her, venom dripping from his every word.

She looked at him. This time, there was fear in her eyes. He smirked, knowing that his words are getting to her. "Go ahead." She said. "But you know, you're not the only one who's depressed." She followed. "Besides, everyone's welcome here. I bet you had a few visitors even before I came." He chuckled. She was right. There were people visiting him. 'Friends', as human beings called it. He wasn't even sure if he could still call this place 'home', but it's the only place where he can be alone and think. He watched her stare at the pictures on the wall. "You look happy in these pictures." She commented. _"Happy? That even a word?"_ She was obviously trying to piss him off. "You're insensitive." He hissed at her. The young woman shoved the comb back into her bag and laughed. Her laugh really is annoying. "I know."

_Tick tock._

Silence. The only sound they could hear was the clock which never stopped ticking. "You're just depressed, upset, and angry. You should come out the house sometime." She suggested. It pissed him off even more. He knew she was insensitive and stupid, but not to this extent. "What do _you_ know about depression?" He mocked.

This time, she sat beside him on the bed and let out a breath of relief. "Well, depression is not always about locking yourself from the world or pushing everyone away or faking your laughter every single day. First of all, nobody cares if you're depressed. Humans tend to give up on things that they can't change." She stuck her tongue at him, as if she was trying to taunt him. "Second, depression can be… helping others, being a little piece of sunshine in their lives, laughing just so they could brighten up someone's day… even if she can't brighten up hers." She explained, this time, with a sad look on her face. Her emotions are just priceless and foolish, he thought to himself. "I know you're talking about yourself and I don't care about how you see _your_ depression." He stood up from the bed and went to the window. He looked up and saw a bright full moon amongst the many stars. For a while there, he felt his heart still beating against his chest. Just how many stars are up there? How come he can't shine like them?

"They're beautiful, aren't they?" Her voice interrupted him once again. She was right there again, beside him. He hated the way her presence makes him feel. She makes him feel useless, weak, and vulnerable. He wanted to kill her. "Just like you." She added. He felt his heart shatter at her words. "I'm not." He retorted immediately. He could see from his peripheral vision how she stretched her arms and inhaled deeply. Without another word, she opened the window, and he felt a gust of air brush against his cheeks and mess up his hair. "I wonder how many stars are up there." She pouted. _"Haha. So stupid."_ He looked at her and raised his eyebrow, and then he looked back up the sky. "… How can you just smile like that even though you're just as foolish and depressed as I am? How can you just do that even though you push people away like what I do? How can you just live like that even though you know you can hurt somebody?" He regretted the question as soon as it escaped his mouth. He shouldn't have asked that.

She looked back at him and grinned childishly. "I don't know. You know, sometimes, I get tired of being happy and end up venting out all my frustrations and anger at everyone and everything. I regret it right after, because I don't really want to hurt anyone. This is my version of depression." She pointed her fingers up the sky, tracing the shape of the moon. "I'm a human being. I get tired of being happy, too." She continued. "But we are still young and reckless, and we don't know how we can hurt others or how we can hurt ourselves. We just get hurt. Then we get angry. We're not the only ones who are like this." She then started pointing at each star, counting them. "We're still growing. Not many can understand that, but… somehow, we should try to."

Before he knew it, he found himself counting all the stars in the sky. _"This is childish. Counting stars is a childish activity."_ He shook his head and he found himself smiling.

"_Then again… you're still a kid. It's okay."_


End file.
